In a student’s life, everybody experiences some group members that have quite charming personalities and seems confident in their way of talking and knowledge.
Everyone in the class wanted to make their group with that individual but it is not necessary that everything has the exact meaning as it appears sometimes, things are opposite such as in student life in every group there must be a member that shows her ability like he is very sharp and intelligent but when it comes to complete an assignment or a project in a team they abruptly disappear and the burden of completing the project is the shift to other team members and when someone tries to explore the reason behind their nonsense behavior for a project they often have a number of excuse such as I didn’t get your email, message, stuck in a traffic jam, or had some personal reason such as migraine, not feeling well, family issues.
In this article, we will discuss people who use others.
Even the people who use others behave in a way that it seems like you are responsible for everything that happens and you start to doubt yourself in a way that you are a bad person who didn’t understand the difficult time he was passing through and also lack the sense of sympathy for others.
People who use others have the personality of these kinds of individuals is perfectly described in Simon’s book who identified the charm and denial of these personalities, how these People who use others work, and the reason behind such behaviors.
Simon uses the word of “covert aggressive” behavior in his book “In Sheep’s Clothing (2010)” for such individuals that are described below.
- Seduction. People who use others use their ability of manipulation while playing with their victims. People who use others by showing their magical, attractive personality, and by doing sweet talks with others such as by admiring or showing support for that makes them trustworthy in front of others.
- Lying. People who use others use their manipulative behavior and dishonesties in a way and totally distort the accuracy in a situation also behave purposely in an ambiguous way to hide the truth.
- Denial. People who use others purposefully reject the truth in a way that they don’t know anything about it and not done anything wrong which is against their friendship rules and their behavior of lying innocently makes others feel to show distrust toward themselves such as I am the evil personality who promotes fights and destroys the peace.
- Selective Inattention. People who use others purposefully close their eyes to see your emails and messages so that you can feel guilty and lair about yourself.
- Diversion. When others try to question them they deliberately change the subject matter and shift others’ attention toward something else and escape easily in any kind of situation. These individuals use others by creating their negative image and also use their morality and guilt to take advantage of their innocence.
- Shaming. People who use others’ works by damaging their self-esteem such as passing negative personal remarks about others, sometimes rely on sarcasm or irony so that others feel inferior about themselves that they are not equal or lesser in front of them.
- Playing the Victim. They take the support of their manipulating stories such as make up a story that is based on their extravagant objection and suffering in life that makes them miserable in front of others. In this way, they successfully achieve their target by realizing others that they should feel sorry for them.
- Feigning Ignorance or Confusion. Sometimes they act like a fool and behave like that. They are totally unaware of the topic you are chatting about and always create guilt and suspicion about yourself.
Everyone may have the experience of greeting such individuals that make them doubt themselves by using their manipulative behaviors and abusing them emotionally.
After knowing all the above characteristics and techniques of such individuals help others to be aware of their future life from becoming a victim.
Psychological Problems that can be seen easily in People Who Use Others
Some of the psychological problems can be seen in people who use others in a conditional way so that they can fulfill their desired needs.
- Lack of Control: every individual has an innate tendency to feel safe and secure either mentally or physically. Consider the example of daily routine such as we always prefer to have a permanent job that secures us financially by meeting our needs, a safe home that protects us from external conditions, a trustable friend circle with whom we can share everything without having a fear of being judged, also a trustable partner so that we may spend our life happily. If any of us lack the above-mentioned needs they try to control others so that they can achieve their need of security because these people have a reason subconsciously that their ability to control and use others makes them feel secure in other areas of life. The way and intensity of controlling others are dependent on their inferiority feelings and by using alternative ways they actually try to gain that control in their life which they lack.
- Lack of Ability: everybody in this life wants to be the number one in any profession they have even the students in a class always work hard to be on the first position but only one student becomes able to be known as the topper or always want to be the part of the most intelligent group in the class or the member of the best team in the supports. Because winning individually or in the form of a team gives us a sense of pleasure that we achieve something by using our abilities that nobody has. When we are talking about the people who use others to achieve their purpose it clearly indicates their lack of ability and courage to gain something all by themself. Consider an example that helps to understand this psychological problem in people who use others in a better way. If a boy depends on his girlfriend so that he can impress his crush by showing his charming and confident personality it clearly indicates that he lacks the ability to impress that girl by using her own ability and that’s why he depends on others to achieve his desired goal.
- Narcissistic Tendencies: Narcissists have an innate tendency to promote their feeling of superiority. They always behave in a way to be dominating and proving that they are better from others so that they can use them later. Narcissism is actually a psychological disorder that has its base in the person’s inferiority or weakness. These kinds of individuals overcome their feeling of inferiority by overstating their self-respect and also create an image of strength and power in their minds about themselves so that they can overcome their actual feeling of weakness, diffidence, and helplessness.
- Compensation For Past Inferiority: if anyone faced the feeling of helplessness or was unable to defend them in any conflict or due to some personal reason it may create the feeling in those individuals to take revenge when they become stronger and have the ability to show their powers. Although, they are unable to take revenge from the same person due to their fear or weakness they started to find someone who is weaker such as the person who plays the role of victim in front of their violent father also behaves in the same way with their children. Or when people face some difficulty in office and receive some negative comments about their boss they usually transfer their anger by shouting at their children at home. The above example shows the mechanism of compensation to overcome their weakness. So the people who use others might be used by some individual in their past who was stronger and powerful as compared to the present bully person and he is actually overcoming his weakness by using bully as a compensatory behavior.
- Insecurity Issues: People who use others usually have a feeling of insecurity and weakness and they try to pay for the damage that was created by these feelings by finding a person who has a similar personality and uses the same procedure again with another person. Consider the example of those people who get neglected or dumped in a relationship whatever the reason was they try to find another relationship immediately after the break up so that they can compensate their feeling of insecurity and weakness in another relationship because the feeling of being ignored by someone they like or love make them feel inferior in front of their eyes that they seem to be unable to pay the damage on their own and prefer to search the alternative ways.
How to prevent people who use others.
The people who are used by others usually have the helping and kind nature but their effort to give other pleasures causes damage for their own soul.
· When you want to stop others from taking advantage of your kindness and helping nature you should remember the emotional and physical pain you receive when you are being used last time and act according to that feeling so that you can save yourself this time.
· If you have spare time and you completed all of your work you should use your time in doing the activities that you like the most rather than pressurizing yourself to help others rather than taking rest and tire yourself at the point that creates the feeling of frustration and anger in yourself so always set your goal in a way that creates a boundary between yourself as a priority and others as a secondary option.
· Always focus your attention on other’s actions rather than believing their words.
If you are feeling used by others, step ahead and take action for yourself so that nobody uses your kindness and helping nature as an option.
· Always speak for yourself when you doubt something so that you become clear and others can think first before talking to you.
Have a habit to say no to others and help them by remaining in their boundary.
FAQ about people who use others
Why do people let others use them?
People who allow others to use them want that person to stay in their lives or to fill their own emptiness.
Do people come into your life for a reason?
Yes, people come to your life for a number of reasons such as to help you, to meet your expressed needs, support you emotionally, and many more.
What makes a person a user?
A user is someone who uses something to meet their personal needs such as using the computer, substance, and people to make you a user.
Simon, G. (2010) In sheep’s clothing: Understanding and dealing with manipulative people. Little Rock, AR: Parkhurst Brothers, Inc.
Relationship Psychology .com “Controlling behavior”
Roberts, E. (2015, April 3). Respect Yourself: Stop Letting Others Take Advantage of You, Healthy Place.