In this guide, we will discuss “How to not be nervous about losing your virginity” and a few tips and things to considering before having sex for the first time.
How to not be nervous about losing your virginity?
If you are wondering ‘How to not be nervous about losing your virginity?’ we can start by saying that being nervous is completely normal, many people report getting nervous their first time. This is the case with many things we do for the first time such as our first kiss, our first driving lesson, our first time out of the country, our first boyfriend/girlfriend and of course, our first time having sex.
If you are feeling nervous about losing your virginity it could be because you are not entirely sure about going through with it, maybe you are not well informed and you have some unanswered questions or maybe you have heard other people’s stories about how they lost their virginity and they didn’t actually have a happy ending. This is why it is important to go through the experience without setting high expectations because you may end up being disappointed, for instance, sex isn’t always as romantic and magical as it is portrayed in movies or TV.
Finally, you may or may not have told your partner you are a virgin. However, it may feel less awkward if you are honest and talk to them about how you feel and about your virginity but it is a personal choice in the end. Let’s talk about some useful tips when coping with the fear of losing your virginity.
Remember you are entitled to set your boundaries/limits
This is your first time having sex so it is normal if you would like to satisfy your partner to guarantee there would be a second, third, fourth time and so on or you just may want to appear as you know what you are doing so you are willing to do whatever your partner wants. There are plenty of things you still need to discover on your own, what you like and what you don’t so there is no need to rush into something that would probably make you feel uncomfortable.
Many times, we go into our first time after watching tons of adult movies thinking that it is the way to go. Well, you actually don’t have to become a porn star or do everything you have seen in porn videos. Take your time to discover your sexuality, to play a little, to find what gives you the most pleasure but never feel obliged to do something you are not entirely sure of doing just because you feel pressured. It is OK to say ‘No, I don’t feel comfortable at this point to do that’.
It doesn’t have to be a painful experience
We know losing your virginity is strongly linked to having to experience pain and it may be the reason why you feel nervous. However, know that not everyone gets to experience pain when losing their virginity and to prevent pain make sure you and your partner start slow, spend some time during foreplay and if necessary, buy a good lube.
Being aroused before the penetration is extremely important to prevent it from being a painful experience. Sure, you may feel discomfort as it goes in the first time but it should not be a painful sensation. The problem comes when you are not lubricated and your partner tries to go in like that. In addition, if you are nervous you will probably tense your muscles which will make it difficult for your partner to go in, which may result in a lot of pain as they force their way in. Try to breathe, relax and take your mind off the ‘pain’ that it could cause.
Instead, focus on your partner, touching, hugging or kissing them, to take your mind off the exact moment when you lose your virginity.
There is no rush, take your time
There is a misconception about how penetration should be the centre and the most important thing during sexual intercourse but as we have discussed if getting penetrated without actually feeling ready will bring pain to your experience then try taking baby steps where you feel comfortable enough for it.
It is important to know yourself so before you decide to lose your virginity get to know yourself, explore by taking some time to masturbate. At first, you may have a ‘strange’ feeling by doing this on your own but just make sure to do it at your own pace, no need to rush and take slow, measured breaths paying attention to how your buddy reacts. This way you can let your partner know how you like to be touched and it will make things easier when you have sex for the first time.
Remember, it is important to be sober and conscious during your first time so avoid drinking too much to try to get rid of the anxiety and nervousness. If you have to drink to do it then it may mean you are not ready and/or the person you will have sex with is not really the right person for it.
Slowly engage your partner
As we have discussed, there is no rush, there is no need to compete or finish first on the race. You are the one in control and you can let your partner know when you are ready so in the meantime, start slowly with some eye contact, kissing, touching each other, etc., and when you feel you are aroused and comfortable enough, then it may mean you are ready for the next step.
Remember, safety first so just not only to prevent unwanted pregnancies it is important to use a condom to prevent STD’s.
Go to therapy
If the fear is too overwhelming, you have tried many times in the past or maybe you have been abused in any way, we recommend visiting a mental health professional to get some support on this matter. If you have suffered from abuse, it can be a traumatic experience that will influence your life and will make your body automatically send a signal about how ‘threatening’ or unsafe any sexual related experience is that won’t let you move forward.
Virginity as a social construct
Even though we talked about heterosexual intercourse and how we understand someone is a ‘virgin’ because they have never had sex before, the definition these days is not only limited to it. Moreover, virginity has always been associated with penis-in-vagina intercourse but this is then a ‘non-inclusive’ concept since it leaves a group of people who are not interested in this type of intercourse.
Television, movies and series have influenced the way we perceive virginity. For some people, it is associated with a rupture of the hymen having a little bleed that goes with it. The truth is that the hymen can be broken in many ways and under other circumstances not necessarily related to sexual intercourse.
In contrast, for other people, oral sex or anal sex would also enter into the category of losing one’s virginity which ends up being a very personal experience, made by the definition everyone can give to what ‘virginity’ means.
Why is this blog about How to not be nervous about losing your virginity important?
As we have discussed on ‘How to not be nervous about losing your virginity’, being nervous is completely normal and it is even more frequent than you might think. Remember you are on control and you don’t have to rush into anything or do something you don’t feel comfortable doing. Having sex for the first time doesn’t necessarily mean it should and would be painful.
Prepare yourself, take time to engage in foreplay and if needed buy a good lubricant. Don’t forget to breathe and try to focus on your partner and what your body is telling you when kissing, touching or hugging. Finally, remember not to have high expectations where you believe it would be as magical and/or romantic as seen on TV. Just make sure you feel comfortable and enjoy the experience, even if it ends up not being as good as you imagined.
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about How to not be nervous about losing your virginity
How do I get over the fear of losing my virginity?
Here are some tips on how to get over the fear of losing your virginity:
- Remember you are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to. You are the one that set the boundaries and limits.
- If the fear is too overwhelming we recommend talking to a therapist.
- Start at your own pace.
- Slowly engage your partner, there is no rush.
- Don’t push yourself or rush into anything.
- Be proud of yourself.
What is the fear of losing your virginity called?
The fear of losing your virginity is called: primeisodophobia.
Is it normal to be nervous about losing your virginity?
It is normal to be nervous about losing your virginity, especially because it is a life-changing experience. Every person is different so some can feel excited, happy, emotional, anxious or even relieved and others may not have any particular emotional response.
How do you stop the pain of losing your virginity?
If you would like to stop the pain of losing your virginity, here are some tips:
- Go slow, there is no rush.
- Get familiar with your anatomy.
- Set realistic expectations.
- Try to spend some time during foreplay.
- Get some lube.
- Try different positions and identify those that make you feel comfortable.
- If it hurts at some point, let your partner know.
At what age is it OK for a girl to lose her virginity?
The age will depend and vary from one country to another. However, some say the average age at which people lose their virginity is 17 and a study published by the American Journal of Public Health found that those who reported losing their virginity five years above the average were more likely to report sexual problems.
Marin, V. (2016, Jun.) How Do You Get Over A Fear Of Having Sex? Retrieved from bustle.com.
Menza, K. (2020, Apr.) Losing Your Virginity: Real Talk About What Happens the First Time You Have Sex. Retrieved from teenvogue.com.