I hate my dad (what to do now?)

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

Relationships with parents can sometimes be stormy. How to improve the link between you and your father? In this blog post, we will discuss the common reasons behind why we may hate your dad, and how to stop feeling like this and how to forgive, even if it feels impossible. 

The reasons behind: “I hate my dad”

Family life can be a great source of conflict that, if not properly managed, can become a ball that grows larger over time.

The reasons for this tendency to intensify certain conflicts have to do with many factors: daily treatment (which makes it difficult to take a few days off to better empathize with the other during the reunion), the importance of parental roles and severity negligence in the care and education of sons and daughters, etc.

For this reason, many patients who attend therapy sometimes show a high degree of anger and resentment against one of the parents, or both. Phrases like “I hate my dad” are relatively frequent in this area.

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

Possible reasons for father hatred and how to fix it

Now, what to do when conflicts of this type become very intense and seem to be chronic?

There are many possible causes that explain the birth of this feeling of hatred, and therefore I will focus here on some of the most common that have to do with the role of parents in Western cultures.

If it is out of guilt 

In some cases in the family history, traumatic events occur, the blame of which is attributed to someone specific, despite the fact that doing this is a simplification. It is a way of having a target on which to discharge frustration.

The figure of the father, who has traditionally been related to the role of protector of the family, is often the target of these recriminations. To solve these situations, it is necessary to restructure the thought patterns and beliefs about what happened so that a more realistic and more nuanced and detailed approach is adopted.

If it is due to a history of abuse

In some cases, the accumulated resentment against the father is due to a history of sexual abuse by the father.

These may be recent or may have been committed in the remote past, but in both cases, the solution must be through the opening of a judicial channel that allows clarifying whether these abuses were actually committed or not. 

During the process, the person must remain isolated from the influence of the father, due to the possible physical or psychological damage that this may cause, in addition to avoiding manipulation based on emotional blackmail. 

Due to the physical constitution of males, the parents’ ability to use physical coercion is greater, so it is necessary to take security measures.

Any possibility of possible reconciliation between the father and the son or daughter must be subject to a clear and sufficiently proven reintegration by the former, in the long term.

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

If it is due to parental negligence

Parental neglect understood as the abandonment of children and the refusal to perform the tasks of care and education that must be carried out by caregivers on a mandatory basis is a form of child abuse that usually leaves traces on people’s behaviour when they become adults. Among these traces the feeling of hatred is frequent.

In these cases, reconciliation tends to be difficult, since parents who have neglected the care of their children and the establishment of affective bonds with them during their childhood usually do not feel any more attachment to them when they are adults, which makes the Separation is an effective strategy to avoid having to think about all those things related to parents.

In cases where the latter are remorseful and want to start having a healthy relationship with their children, the help of psychotherapeutic assistance is usually a requirement.

If it is due to communication failures

The defects in communication is a source of problems and conflicts not only between parents and children but also in the relationship of all members of a family in general. 

The adoption of very limited family roles and the creation of taboo topics can cause an oppressive atmosphere to breathe within the family in which people cannot express themselves honestly, which is usually associated with the appearance of a state of self- continuous surveillance and, therefore, stress, which can be the source of outbursts of anger and anger.

In these cases, it is also advisable to attend forms of psychotherapy in which several of its members are worked on at the same time, in order to get communication flowing.

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

How to forgive, even when it seems impossible

Gandhi believed that the weak can never forgive. Why? Because forgiveness requires strength. It takes effort. Forgiveness can sometimes be more painful and tiring than the wound itself.

And the ultimate test often comes not only when we forgive others, but when we take a step further and forgive ourselves. It is not an easy mission, but there are some ways that will help you take steps towards forgiveness. Here are some of them, according to therapist Emma Mildon:

  1. When you start moving away from someone: Find out why you feel guilty – It is important to realize that you are blaming the person for something. We need to be aware of any feelings of anger or guilt and ask ourselves where it comes from. Analyze carefully and try to really feel. Once you have done that, forgiveness becomes an act of giving up everything that holds you back in the past.

Forgiveness sets you free.

For example, you can do this by telling those who hurt you how they made you feel. That person does not even have to be present. It is enough to tell yourself in your mind or out loud. You will be surprised to discover how big and difficult the emotional baggage you will get rid of once you have decided to forgive.

  1. When you are betrayed: Find confidence in love – Many people experienced the pain of betrayal and faced a partner who was unfaithful. In this case, the importance of forgiveness has less to do with the one who cheated, and more to do with the reconciliation you need to move on to a beautiful, trusting relationship.

In order to be happy after you have been deceived, you must find the ability to leave behind the negative feelings caused by betrayal. It is the fastest way to regain your confidence in love and ability to live in the present, instead of being crushed by the past.

Learn to ask for forgiveness in order to maintain relationships with loved ones.

When it comes to betrayal, it is not necessary to throw the other person’s things out the window or gather them in front of the house and set them on fire. To go further means to rediscover those dreams that remind you of “they lived happily ever after.””

Instead of going to bed every night with that anger inside you, try to think of all the people you know who have long-term relationships that you admire. Immersing yourself in these positive thoughts before falling asleep can help you make a change in your subconscious. Think of them as a kind of swing song that helps you forgive. See how it goes. Try to feel as you become lighter because you no longer carry the burden of betrayal.

I hate my dad (what to do now?)
  1. When facing the death of a loved one: Forgive yourself for any regrets.  In this case, it could be more a form of forgiveness for the universe because it took from you a loved one, but also forgiveness for yourself, for any regrets you may have. It’s easy to get stuck in a pattern of pain and regret, but you can’t stay there forever. 

Recognizing regret and the role you have in it is the first step to moving forward. Usually, people who have gone through a very painful loss are much more empathetic and understanding because they are forced to forgive, usually to forgive themselves.

Learn to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made so far. 

What you need to know about forgiveness

You must remember that forgiveness does not mean looking for excuses for any behaviour or action that has hurt you. In fact, it means eliminating the power they have over you. It means “pushing” the negative emotions they cause you and making room for you to develop. 

You must not forget them, deny them or let them become a burden. In fact, forgiveness is not something you do for someone who has wronged you. It’s something you do for yourself. Like anything in life, we learn to forgive through exercise. Therefore, exercise forgiveness.

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

Conclusions

In this blog post, we discussed the common reasons behind why we may hate your dad, and how to stop feeling like this and how to forgive, even if it feels impossible. 

Family life can be a great source of conflict that, if not properly managed, can become a ball that grows larger over time.

The reasons for this tendency to intensify certain conflicts have to do with many factors: daily treatment (which makes it difficult to take a few days off to better empathize with the other during the reunion), the importance of parental roles and severity negligence in the care and education of sons and daughters, etc.

The ultimate test often comes not only when we forgive others, but when we take a step further and forgive ourselves. It is not an easy mission, but there are some ways that will help you take steps towards forgiveness. 

If you have any questions or comments on the subject, please let us know!

Further reading

Parent Yourself Again: Love Yourself the Way You Have Always Wanted to Be Loved: Volume 3 (Self-Compassion), by Yong Kang Chan 

It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle, by Mark Wolynn 

Why You Still Need to Forgive Your Parents and How To Do It With Ease and Grace, by Colin Tipping 

Forgiveness Made Easy: The Revolutionary Guide to Moving Beyond Your Past and Truly Letting Go, by Barbara J Hunt

References

The Soul Searcher’s Handbook: A Modern Girl’s Guide to the New Age World

by Emma Mildon 

Psychologytoday.com

Goodtherapy.org. 

I hate my dad (what to do now?)

Nadejda Romanciuc

Nadejda Romanciuc holds a Bachelor’s degree in psychology and a diploma in Addiction studies. She is part of the Romanian Association of Integrative Psychotherapy as a psychotherapist under supervision. She's practicing online counselling for over two years and is a strong advocate for mental health.