How to not be nervous for a hookup? (Tips)

In this guide, we will discuss “How to not be nervous for a hookup” and some tips on how to manage and cope with your nerves if it is the first time you are having sex with someone. It could be a potential partner or just a one night stand. However, we might still get very nervous when we feel exposed or vulnerable in front of someone we might not know at all.

How to not be nervous for a hookup?

If you are wondering ‘How to not be nervous for a hookup?’, it is completely normal. However, if you constantly feel nervous about having sex with new partners, you probably need to slow yourself down. You may have seen how in movies, two people hook up the first time they meet and they start crashing into the walls as soon as the door opens. Everything looks so sexy and hot if only this happened also in real life.

Hooking up with someone for the first time can be very scary, all the thoughts about body image issues, sexual performance or comparing yourself to other partners or hookups can come rushing in. If you go into the hookup knowing it will be the first and last time you will see them (one night stand) then it can get easier, but if it is the first time you have sex with a partner or someone you truly like, it can get a bit more complicated. However, let’s see some of the tips when you face this type of situation.

Moreover, spend some time doing some regular activities before you can dive into the act itself. For instance, get together to watch a movie, have dinner or some drinks. This will allow you to get familiar with this person and a bit more comfortable than if you just dive into it beforehand.

Accept your nerves, don’t fight them

It is a fact that the more you fight feeling nervous, the more nervous you’ll get. Instead, accept you are nervous as something normal when someone is facing a situation they may not be familiar with or maybe you feel nervous because your expectations are high. For instance, you start feeling nervous and then you get very angry and frustrated at yourself for feeling nervous in the first place. You feel bad and beat yourself up, feeling more nervous and so on. In the end, is a vicious cycle. 

Everyone gets nervous when having sex with someone new and this is because sex can make us feel vulnerable, exposed and naked (figuratively and literally speaking) even if it is casual. However, it may help to remember that you are not the only one feeling nervous, the person you are about to have sex with may be nervous as well so don’t overthink it.

If anxiety is part of your life…

Well, anxiety is part of everybody’s life but what we mean is that anxiety can become persistent and can significantly impact your life, preventing you from doing things or going places. So, if you are nervous not only because you are about to have sex with someone for the first time or someone you don’t know then you may need to work on your anxiety outside of the bedroom first.

If you decide to seek professional advice, a therapist or counsellor could find the actual reason why you feel anxious most of the time, not only when having sex and pointing you into the right direction to manage your anxiety.

There is no need to rush

Take your time, there is no need to rush and this is certainly not a race or competition. If you like the person, build intimacy by taking time to touch, kiss, hug, lick, etc. when you feel very nervous and want to get it over with, Stop! And slow down. 

The idea is for both to have a nice time so try to focus your attention and energy into foreplay. You will feel how it will give you a major boost of confidence. 

As recommended by Caroline Phinney from babe.net, “Take time to get comfortable with one another’s bodies. Even if you know this person, you do not yet know them in this context, and it’s okay to want to spend some time warming yourself into sex.”

Location is important

Ok, so you may have arranged to get together and do something chilled like going out for dinner to try this new restaurant or just grabbing some drinks at a local pub. Well, it is important to think about what your options are, for instance, your place, their place, the bathroom, your car, etc. The idea is for you to feel comfortable. 

If you decide to let them go to your place consider they may want to stay until the next morning, if you are fine with it then no problem but if you don’t want them to stay, make sure to let them know in advance about your ‘early morning plans’. This way you won’t feel bad when asking them to leave and won’t sound as rude as just kicking them out after you are done, all sweaty, nake and half-passed out.

Always use protection

It is difficult to make sure the people you are with are clear of sexually transmitted diseases because no one usually carries their latest checkup results in their pocket, wallet or purse. To avoid having an awkward uncomfortable moment or even putting yourself at risk, make sure you always bring protection with you. This is not only to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancies but as we discussed sexually transmitted diseases. 

Have real expectations

By real expectations, we mean that there is a possibility your first time won’t be as perfect as you may have imagined it to be. We get it, most people want their first time to be picture perfect but remember that sometimes it is not the case. However, it doesn’t mean it won’t get better eventually or in time.

As indicated by Phinney, “Even the second time might be a bit shaky. If they’re being rude or aggressive, you can certainly judge the first time, but if they’re just a bit awkward or fast to finish, consider giving them another shot. Believe me, they are very aware of how well or how poorly they are performing, and it’s probably making them even more stressed.”

In contrast, if you are just looking for a one night stand then you may not be worried about having any expectations or wanting it to be perfect so you won’t have a problem in this aspect of fear to be disappointed.

Finally, consider if you are Ok with not seeing or hearing from them again the next morning. Maybe the sex wasn’t what they expected, maybe they are ashamed about their performance or would just keep or casual to avoid any ‘unnecessary’ attachments. If you feel Ok with it then go for it but if not then, talk to them about it first. They may even have the same concern as you so it won’t hurt to ask.

How to not be nervous for a hookup? (Tips)

Avoid giving them instructions

It is ok if you feel like guiding them but don’t make it sound like you are giving them instructions on what they ‘should’ do. The situation can become even more stressful than it was before and anxiety will spike for both of you. Instead, try to keep it as natural as possible almost like you were having a conversation. However, you are always entitled to say no to doing something you don’t feel like doing or try to discuss it before having sex.

Don’t feel as if you have to teach your partner how to do something or what’s what, especially if you don’t feel comfortable about it. As indicated by Carolyn Steber from the bustle, “Your first hook up can simply be a time to get out of your head and do whatever feels right. If both of you are into it, then go for it, but don’t feel pressured to wow them, or try funky positions, or be over the top. If you hook up again, there will be plenty of time for that.”

Avoid trying to impress them

You may feel pressured to try to impress them so they want to have sex with you but there is no need. Some things can’t be forced and it may certainly have to do with your body or who you are, probably what happened is that you two didn’t click for whatever reason or they are just too worried about their performance so don’t put more pressure.

Moreover, many people want to be ‘good in bed’ and impress the people they sleep with but many people try to take the pressure of it and let go when thinking about what a hook up represents to them. Our point is, there is no need to be ashamed if you are not the first time or if it is a bit awkward, it happens more times than you can imagine.

Finally, sometimes, to impress someone we avoid speaking up during sex so if you have something on your mind that is worth saying then let it be known. Just behave as you would normally do, be yourself and enjoy. 

How to not be nervous for a hookup? (Tips)

Why is this blog about How to not be nervous for a hookup important?

As we have discussed, feeling nervous for a hookup is completely normal, especially if it is the first time you will have sex with someone. Doesn’t matter if you know them or not, still you may end up feeling very nervous. However, the tips we have shared may allow you to have peace of mind before, during and after a hookup. 

Moreover, consider seeking professional advice if nerves are not only limited to hooking up with someone but also in many other aspects of your life. Anxiety can take over your life and impact it preventing you from doing things or going places. The idea is to analyze and evaluate why you are feeling anxious and find strategies to cope with it in more effective ways.

Please feel free to leave any comments or thoughts about the content of this article!

References 

Marin, V. (n.d.) I GET SERIOUSLY NERVOUS BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE NEW. WHAT CAN I DO? Retrieved from muscleandfitness.com.

Phinney, C. (2018, Nov.) How to move past those first-time-hookup nerves. Retrieved from babe.net.

Steber, C. (2017, Jan.) 11 Common Mistakes People Make When Hooking Up. Retrieved from bustle.com.

How to not be nervous for a hookup? (Tips)

Juanita Agboola

Juanita Agboola is the editor in chief of HFNE and an expert in mental health online. She has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues since 2012. All Guides are reviewed by our editorial team which constitutes various clinical psychologists, PhD and PsyD colleagues.