Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

Enneagram type 9 relationships

In this blog post, we will talk about how the Enneagram type 9 is in social and romantic relationships. We will also give a few tips for self-development for any Enneagram type 9 person.

The Enneagram type 9 relationships – Idealizing the other

The Enneagram type 9 in relationships idealize those around them and live based on a few primary identifications, such as family and a few friends. 

As one type 9 would say it, “I don’t need to be in constant contact with a person as long as I know he’s there.” As they continue to do so, they begin to relate to that person’s idea, not to the person themselves. For example, a Nine idealizes his family, but if one of the children has a drug problem or some other serious crisis, it will be extremely difficult for him to accept this reality.

Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

Idealization allows them to focus on others, not themselves, to have a positive emotional reaction to others, satisfying the message of the superego: “Everything is fine if those around you are well.” 

Usually, they are attracted to stronger and more aggressive people, expecting them to bring “justice” into the relationship. Their energetic and dynamic friends bring them the vitality they tend to repress in themselves. Often, this unspoken agreement works quite well, since more assertive people are looking for people to follow them in everything they propose or undertake. 

The idealization of others maintains (or even amplifies) self-respect and trust: if they have an exceptional or well-known relationship with someone, their sense of self-worth increases.

There are, however, three major dangers to this arrangement. First of all, the Nine types can be used and trampled on by these assertive, independent and aggressive people. 

Second, idealized individuals will quickly lose interest in the Nine who indulges and lacks a sense of adventure. 

Third, and most importantly, if they persist in trying to fill themselves with the other’s energy and vitality, it is very unlikely that they will ever make an effort to reconnect with their own vitality.

Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

6 self-development tips for the Enneagram type 9

  1. Although humility is an admirable human trait, it is not one that requires too much effort. Learn to differentiate between true humility and the tendency to minimize your personality and skills. In other words, remember the social role of the type 9 person and be careful not to fall into his trap. 

You may end up feeling overwhelmed by life’s problems and think you have little to offer others, but a brief look at the discord, violence, and suffering in the world can give you an idea of ​​what YOU CAN do. 

The energy needed to restore the balance of this turbulent world is the calm, healing, reconciling energy of a healthy New. When you are truly connected to yourself, you have all the power and ability to deal with any situation.

  1. Learn the value of the word “no”. It is perfectly natural not to want to disappoint those around you, but when you are offered a proposal that you do not agree with, it is better to make known the limits you want to impose, than to say “Yes” and say then regret it later. 

Moreover, others will be more upset if you oppose passive-aggressiveness to their plans, giving you acceptance at first so that later you don’t get involved. Most people prefer to know what your real choices and desires are, even if they seem unimportant or inappropriate to you.

  1. Learn to seek what YOU want from a certain situation. It often happens that you consider so many opinions and desires of others that you forget about your own. Because of this old habit, you may not immediately realize what you want. If necessary, do not hesitate to ask others for a break to weigh the options. 

And don’t shy away from following your own choice when it comes down to it. Remember that you have the right to want too.

  1. Invest energy in developing your talents and personality. There are many pleasant and useful ways to spend your time having fun with family or friends – but be careful not to neglect your mental and spiritual development. 

The initial efforts will probably bring to light many anxieties and self-reproaches, but if you persist in your inner work, the rewards will be much more consistent and satisfying than you think.

 Moreover, if you invest in personal change, everyone around you will benefit from you, as a stronger and more fulfilled person.

  1. Notice the situations when you imagine a relationship with someone, instead of actually interacting with that person. For most people, it is not very interesting or satisfying to sit on the couch next to you, while you dream with open eyes of a tenting trip or your favourite episode of a TV series. 

If you notice that you are “decoupling” from reality when you are with a certain person, ask yourself if, inside, you feel angry or uncomfortable with him/her. In any case, a conversation on an unpleasant topic can help you reconnect with yourself and that person.

  1.  Learn to recognize and process your own anger. For most Nine people, this is very threatening. Of all the feelings, he seems to be the one who can cause the most damage to your inner balance and peace. And yet, even though it, you could reconnect to your strength interior – is the fuel that will burn your inertia. 

Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to shout at everyone or be aggressive with strangers. it means that if you feel angry, it is very advisable to specify this fact to the person or persons who caused this reaction. 

Learn to feel anger in your body. How does it feel? Where do you feel it has the most impact? If you become familiar with the sensation, you will no longer be so afraid of it.

Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

The Enneagram type 9 relationships and their social role: Nobody Special

Nine-type people usually create a social role, considering themselves unimportant, insignificant. They are the modest ones who are content to sit in the background and not bother the rest of the world. (“Don’t buy me a birthday present. I know you love me anyway.”) They feel that their own presence, opinion, and involvement are of no importance or consistency. 

However limiting it may be, this behaviour gives them a lot of security and satisfaction – it allows them to minimize their hopes and expectations so that they never end up feeling frustrated, rejected, angry, or disappointed.

The social role of the Nine type is not easy to grasp, although it becomes palpable, once met personally, face to face. The personality of the Nine types is like a ring with a stone, or like the frame of a painting. Their attention is focused on the stone or the painting, not on their own person, and their sense of identity or self-esteem increases if they are involved in a relationship (be it imaginary) with a person they perceive as more valuable.

Considering themselves devoid of special features, they acquire good camouflage, the ability to confuse with the background, where no one and nothing will touch them, and the hope that if they do not take care of themselves, others will notice their humility and reluctance. and they will come to their aid. 

If they stay in their hidden positions, life will not bring them suffering, pain or tragedy. Unfortunately, this is not the case – last but not least, they tend to be lonely and depressed. Opportunities fly by and people around them start to take them seriously.

Left to their own devices, this social role can reduce their energy level and confidence in their ability to cope with life. They become depressed, get tired very quickly and very easily, end up requiring more and more hours of sleep. Any positive course of action is getting closer and closer to the impossible.

Make a list of the things in your life that stimulate you. Not censor you. What kind of person would you be, if you could? What steps could you take today to become that person? Or this week? Or this year?

Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

Conclusions

In this blog post, we talked about how the Enneagram type 9 is in social and romantic relationships. We also gave you 6 tips for self-development, that will help you master your relationships, social life, personal and work life. 

Enneagram type 9 relationships are oftentimes seen as toxic relationships if type 9 doesn’t know how to appreciate their own value and uniqueness.

Usually, they are attracted to stronger and more aggressive people, expecting them to bring “justice” into the relationship. Their energetic and dynamic friends bring them the vitality they tend to repress in themselves. However, this unspoken agreement works quite well, since more assertive people are looking for people to follow them in everything they propose or undertake. 

If you have any questions, comments or recommendations, please let us know in the comments section below!

FAQ about the enneagram type 9 relationships

Which Enneagram types are most compatible?

The most compatible Enneagram types are Type 6 with Type 8; Type 7 with Type 5; Type 8 with type 9 and Type 9 with Type 6. 

Are Enneagram 9’s lazy?

Enneagram 9 are not lazy, but they do have problems because they are too passive and stubborn. At the healthiest level, those in type 9 are fearless, able to comprehend everything; they are able to reconcile people and heal conflicts.

What does a healthy Enneagram 9 look like?

Healthy Enneagram 9s are typically friendly and reconciling, but with a very keen sense of purpose, especially when it comes to their own ideas. Good as therapists.
counsellors or priests, balance their traits of good listeners, free from prejudice, with the desire to help others.

What do Enneagram 9s need to hear?

Enneagram 9s need to hear: Learn the value of the word “no”. It is perfectly natural not to want to disappoint those around you, but when you are offered a proposal that you do not agree with, it is better to make known the limits you want to impose, than to say “Yes” and say then regret it later.

Which Enneagram type is most stubborn?

Type 9 is considered the most stubborn Enneagram type. While they are balanced and harmonious almost all of the time, they can also be very stubborn and conflict avoidant. 

Are Enneagram 9s introverts?

Some Enneagram 9s are introverts. They are kind-hearted, calm and supportive, but they are too willing to please others just to avoid scandal. They want life to unfold in conflict, tending to indulge in any situation and minimize any disturbance that occurs. 

Further reading 

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso 

Enneagram Self-Discovery: Understand Personality Types to Enhance Your Spiritual Growth & Build Healthy Relationships, by Elliot Hudson 

The Enneagram Of Personality: Why Discovering Your Unique Personality Type Is Essential For Your Personal Growth, by Arthur Canfield 

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery (The Road Back to You Set), by Ian Morgan Cron

The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth, by Christopher L. Heuertz  

References

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso 

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery, by Don Richard Riso, Russ Hudson

Understanding the Enneagram: The Practical Guide to Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso, Russ Hudson

Enneagrampaths.com

Enneagram type 9 relationships (5+ tips)

Daniela Paez

Daniela Paez is a Clinical Psychologist with an MSc. In Clinical Neuropsychology from Bangor University. She has vast experience in working with children with disabilities, adolescents and their families, in extreme conditions of poverty and vulnerability. Additionally, she owns a private practice where she provides neuropsychological evaluation for children and adults, and treatment for mood disorders, anxiety, couple therapy, among other conditions.