I have a controlling husband, what do I do?

controlling husband

No one plans to have an abusive relationship. We all want love, care, and security – not a controlling husband and abuse.

But this can happen and anyone can fall into this trap if one does not pay attention to the first signs that show you that something is just not right.

What would those signs be? Keep reading to find out. 

I have a controlling husband, what do I do?

The signs of a controlling husband and an abusive relationship

There are people who at the beginning of the relationship or during the courtship period are overwhelming you with attentions and gifts, compliments and declarations of love such as “You mean everything to me“, “I could not live without you“, “You are the love of my life “,” I have never met anyone like you.

These people are constantly flattering you and are apparently willing to help you no matter what you’d want.

Truth is in most of the cases, the purpose of these exaggerated and false behaviors is to make you give up as quickly as possible, to convince you to make a commitment to that person.

We are not talking about people with sincere intentions, who by their nature are attentive, caring and willing to offer, but we are talking about manipulators whose purpose is to conquer you as quickly as possible in order to control you through emotional blackmail, manipulation or aggression.

Just to satisfy their selfish needs and desires (that sometimes they might not even be aware of). These are all signs of a toxic love.

There are also people who are extremely jealous and possessive who try to control their partner.

A controlling husband’s behavior, for example, can be manifested from telling you what to wear and how to spend your time to tell you who to see or not to see, what social activities to do, what decisions to take regarding your own life, whether they are personal, professional, social or family as if they knew what was best for you.

A controlling husband will be upset you if you want to spend time with someone else, emotionally blackmailing you and trying to convince you why it’s better and more useful to spend time with him, instead of spending time with others.

He will do everything he can to make you isolate yourself from others or even force you to do so.

These kinds of people can accuse you of infidelity or flirting with others.

He will tell you he can’t bear to see you around other men or women because he loves you too much, that he can’t bear to lose you, and that he can’t live without you.

Jealousy stems from one’s own insecurity, from the desire to control or is a projection of one’s tendency towards infidelity.

When you have high self-confidence and self-esteem, you are not afraid of any “competition”.

You know that you are a valuable human being, and if your partner wants to be with you, he/she will do it for what you are, and he/she will not want someone else just because you are an extraordinary human being.

 Another reason why some people are jealous of their partner,  is that they are aware of their own tendencies towards infidelity or maybe they are unfaithful.

Knowing what they think or do themselves, they imagine that the partner can think or do what they do.

We project onto others what is within us and suspect them to be just like us.


Jealousy does not belong to a confident, assumed and upright man. Contrary to popular belief, jealousy, control, and possessiveness are not proofs of love, because love is about freedom and trust.

These behaviors are the premises of an abusive relationship

A partner who loves you will allow you to be the way you are and will not restrict your desires and actions.

A partner who loves you will not speak to you from a position of superiority and will not expect you to be at his disposal when he is in the mood, because this is simply a lack of respect, and respect goes hand in hand in hand with love.

A controlling husband expects you to satisfy his every need and will use any means to get what he wants, to make you feel powerless and to submit to him. And if he fails to do so, he will punish you for that.

He will humiliate you and offend you, he will try to make you feel “small” and unimportant, guilty and shameful.

Another manipulation strategy of a controlling husband is to pose in front of you as a “sensitive” person, a victim.

When your partner seems hypersensitive and reacts to your most insignificant gesture in an exaggerated way he is most likely trying to manipulate you.

An emotionally mature man understands that his partner has not come to the world to meet his selfish needs and desires.

He would respect his partner’s freedom and decisions, and would not resort to emotional manipulation and blackmail.

A controlling husband’s sudden changes in mood are again a method of manipulation by which he tries to make you submit to him.

And unfortunately, you are oftentimes blamed for his “outbursts”.

A partner doesn’t have the legal or moral right to manipulate you, to force you to do what you do not want, or to blackmail you.

This is a proof of love, but emotional abuse.  

Control in a relationship leads to suffocation. If you think you can make someone love you or hold someone close to you by inducing fear and fear of your negative reactions, you’re wrong.

The greater the control, the more the person next to you will want to be free, so you might get exactly what you fear most.

I have a controlling husband, what do I do?

What Should a Controlled Person Do?

If you are truly being manipulated or controlled, first, you have to make the decision that you will no longer live under those conditions.

Anger will not solve the problem. Calm strength can. Therapy or counseling may be required.

Almost certainly there must be a strong support group.

If you are being physically controlled (violence, abuse, or similar), you must seek professional intervention before any confrontation with the controller.

Many cities have hotlines for abused people.

If you don’t know where to find help, a talk with a caring physician or a call to the police can lead to the right resources.

If you have recognized a controlling partner, are looking to make changes, and could use a little bit of guidance, below you will find a guide on how to break free from a controlling partner, according to Psychology Today. 

  1. Make sure you are in a safe place. 

If your partner is controlling, then even if they have never been physically violent, there is a real risk that the anger and grief they feel over a breakup may push them over the edge with increasingly threatening behavior.

Be realistic about what your partner may be capable of.

Document your concerns, and keep law enforcement in mind as an option for added protection.

  1. Have a support system

Your embarrassment or discomfort with the troubling aspects of your relationship may have made you paint a rosier picture to friends and family than was really true.

You may feel intimidated or ashamed to tell them what’s really going on. Take a deep breath and do so anyway.

It is crucial that if you want to make changes, you strengthen your ties with trustworthy friends and family who can help see you through this process.

  1. Short-term and long-term goals

Try to answer the following questions and use them as a guide:

  • If you are going to leave a household, what are the financial steps you need to take? Where will you stay? 
  • What possessions or belongings do you need with you? 
  • If you are going to ask your partner to leave, what legal (and, if necessary, physical) protection will you have in place if they refuse?
  •  If you are going to give an ultimatum, such as seeking counseling together, how long will you give them to meet it? 
  • If there are children involved, how will you keep them emotionally and physically secure — and what will you tell them? 
  • What will you say to mutual friends — or your partner’s family?
  1. Reach out and ask for help

 Ask the people you trust for whatever it is you think they can do to help.

Many times they will be grateful for the specifics because people watching their loved ones go through this often feel uncertain of what to say and what to do.

From letting your loved one stay the night to having dinner together, helping you install a new door lock, or just being “on-call” for a few minutes of phone conversation and support — this is what friends are for.

I have a controlling husband, what do I do?

Conclusions

In this article we talked about what is emotional abuse, what are the signs of a controlling husband, and what can you do if you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

If you feel like you’re been taken advantage of, you should know what steps you need to take in order to get out of that catastrophic situation.

The key aspect to remember is that you are not alone, even if it feels like it at the moment.

You have an inner strength and you can do whatever you set your mind up to. You can be free and happy again. 

Please feel free to leave any comments on the content or questions you may have, in the comments section below. 

FAQ about controlling husband

What does a controlling husband do?

A controlling husband is casting his wife’s cares, insight, and opinions aside and treating her like a child, or one who doesn’t have the maturity to help make important decisions.

A healthy marriage should not be based on that.

How do I deal with a dominating husband?

In order to deal with a dominating husband, you have to be clear and assertive.

Most controlling partners respond to those who stand up to them and fight back.

You should deal with them head-on and never leave things unresolved.

What causes control issues?

There are many factors and circumstances that can cause control issues.

Amongst the most frequent are: traumatic or abusive life experiences; lack of trust; fear of abandonment; low or damaged self-esteem.

What is a controlling person?

A controlling person is someone who needs to have the people around him or her behave in certain ways and not in others.

Making things not the way they are expecting you too, makes them nervous and angry. 

How do you deal with a controlling husband?

In order to deal with a controlling woman, you have to first identify the type of controlling behavior.

Next, recognize the triggers and the patterns, learn how to have an assertive communication, and most importantly, don’t give up. 

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.

Recommendations

  1.  The Wolf in Your Bed: How to use writing to recover from emotional abuse
  2. Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
  3. The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing From Emotional Abuse
  4. Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse
  5. Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse
  6. Emotional Abuse: Recovering and Healing from Toxic Relationships, Parents or Coworkers while Avoiding the Victim Mentality

References

Psychology Today

Goalcast.com

Marriagehelper.com

I have a controlling husband, what do I do?

Juanita Agboola

Juanita Agboola is the editor in chief of HFNE and an expert in mental health online. She has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues since 2012. All Guides are reviewed by our editorial team which constitutes various clinical psychologists, PhD and PsyD colleagues.